One of the key components of an anger management class is not squash your anger but to use it in positive ways.  As I was cruising around the web this morning I came across an interview with musician Sara Bareilles in which she said “I think I have some anger-management issues, and they end up coming out in these passive-aggressive songs that sound happy, but I still feel like I’m telling someone to kiss off.”  Very clever and very profitable way to express your anger.

It never really occurred to me but there really has been a long tradition of expressing anger in popular songs.  The first one that comes to mind is “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrissette,  but there are literally hundreds of other examples.  Some of these songs are obvious, such as  John Lennon (“Run for Your Life”) in the early days of The Beatles to somewhat more subtle, angst ridden stuff such as “Smells  Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is how little interaction there is on this blog and I would like to change that.

So, I am introducing the first contest from court ordered anger management class – “Name the Angriest Song You Can Think Of”.

This will run for the next week (last entry will be accepted on Tuesday, September 14) and the winner will receive your choice of a free court ordered anger management class or my entire anger management system with dvd, video, book and workbook as described on www.angermanagement.net.

Only one entry per e-mail address please.  The winner will be based on the most original or intense song you can think of. It doesn’t even have to be about anger, as long as it has that angry edge (for example, pretty much anything in the Henry Rollins catalog).

Its gonna be fun to see what you come up with!

So don’t wait, enter a comment now and win yourself a free anger management class!

As you know I am constantly searching the web for new information so that I can give you the best anger management experience possible. I recently came across a great site on Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) that is run by Deacon Patrick. I think you will find a lot of very interesting information on it, particularly Deacon’s blog entry on TBI and anger management.

One thing an anger management class should help you to understand is that we all use what are called cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are basically ways that your brain automatically processes information to keep you from getting overwhelmed by the vast amount of information you are continually taking in. Most of the time they are very effective, but every so often they can cause you to misperceive a situation and get angry about it.

Cognitive distortions are so much a part of who we are so that most people aren’t even aware that they use them.. When taking an anger management class most people have an “a-ha” moment when distortions are discussed as they recognize how often they do use them.

Scientific research has identified a dozen or so distortions or misperceptions that people use with most of us using two or three more than the others.

Anger management classes teach how to deal with misperceptions in three steps. Step number one is to become aware of which misperceptions you most frequently use.Step two is to come up withquestions that challenge the automatic thought. Step three is to remind yourself several times a day of the shortcuts you use and what questions you should use to challenge them.

If you practice this  anger management technique you will be surprised at how easily you begin to catch yourself and how quickly you can begin to change. With practice, you will literally begin to see a difference within a week or so.

Lets take a quick look at one of the most common cognitive distortions I’ve seen people use in  my anger management class:

Shoulds are when you think something or someone “should” be a certain way or there is something wrong. How many times have gotten angry and thought to yourself: “I wouldn’t get mad if s/he would do it my way”? Even though the word should is not used the implication is that there is only one way to do something and any other way is wrong or upsetting.

Learning and changing your automatic thinking can very quickly help you with an anger management problem.

To learn what the other shortcuts that cause anger problems are and how you can begin to change them you should check out my anger management course.  Lots of good stuff here!

I’ve written several posts on anger management tips to teach your kids but haven’t addressed how parents are supposed to handle their emotions around their children.

I recently came across a wonderful article on the topic by Laura Doerflinger from the Parent Education Group that I think you’ll enjoy.

1.    Take responsibility for your actions. Feelings do not justify behavior. For example, anger does not automatically equal yelling. Sadness does not necessarily equal withdrawal. Our feelings should not dictate behavior. Next time you feel angry, stressed or depressed, choose a less invasive behavior.

2.    Be aware of the ways in which you instantaneously react to your child. Over a lifetime, you have created patterns that dictate the ways in which you respond to certain situations. In order to change them, you need to become aware of those patterns. There are many visual reminders you can use to awaken yourself when you are falling into old patterns like wearing a special ring or putting stickers around your house. Awareness leads to the ability to change.

3.    Stop before you act. We move at the speed of light! Our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are automatic. The “stop” technique is a great tool that can put a halt to negative responses. Literally saying “stop” interrupts your pattern of behavior and gives you time to think and do something differently. Do this repeatedly and form a new pattern!

4.   Replace negative thinking and behavior with something new. Instead of attacking when angry, try sitting down and breathing calmly. Instead of running when frightened, try standing your ground. Over time, the negative responses will decrease as you create new patterns.

5.    Take a deep breath! Yes, it’s true. Breathing brings oxygen to the brain, which, in turn, tells the body it’s safe. Deep, slow breathing mimics the body’s resting state. As you control your breathing, you bring calm to yourself. By taking 10 deep breaths when upset, you can think more clearly.

6.    Stay in the present. Whether you lament the past or worry about the future, learning to cope in the here and now is essential. Worries about the past or the future can derail parents from dealing with their children. We can really only control the present. It deserves our best energy.

7.    Speak for yourself. Remember that the “I feel” statement is more than counselor speak! It keeps YOU in control. Blaming others for your feelings by saying, “You make me feel angry,” is like handing them your emotional reins.

8.    Get perspective on situations over which you have little control. Weigh the intensity of your feelings against your power in a situation. In parenting, for example, we might feel irritated over our children’s grades. Our irritation may be high but our power over the situation may be low. The disparity is a misuse of emotional energy. Evaluating your power to bring about change can help prioritize action and eliminate some concerns.

9.    Ask for help. Managing your emotions isn’t easy. Sometimes parents need individual help. Hiring a family therapist is an excellent way to receive assistance designed just for you. Whether it is a one-time consultation or ongoing counseling, the pay-off can be big.

10.    Reach out for resources. If you have a parenting book by your bedside, an audio-class on your MP3 or CD player, and a top 10 list stuck to your refrigerator, then change is close at hand!

Before  I became interested in teaching anger classes I was actually kind of hip. I know, hard to believe but I was a total music freak and knew bands and artists that no one ever heard of and would go to concerts several nights a week. Now that I’m nearing the ripe old age of 50 my idea of underground and hip has pretty much become limited to Arcade Fire (strange – I saw them live a couple weeks ago and most of the members of the audience were 10 – 20 years older than the people in the band) and Phoenix.

All this is an introduction to my learning that there is a very popular artist going by the name of Plan B who I had never heard of until I came across a recent interview in the News of the World recently. In a very candid interview, Plan B talks of how anger management therapy helped him to trace the source of his rage to his childhood when his dad left the house when Plan B was 6 years old leaving him to fend for himself in a multi-racial neighborhood full of street fighting.  Plan B realized he had a problem after being given a suspended sentence after a bar fight at the age of 26.  So he took it upon himself to look in the Yellow Pages under anger classes and found himself an anger management specialist.

What really impressed me about the article was the following quote :  “Those layers were an act. By the end, I stopped feeling angry and, when I built my layers of confidence back up it was in the right way”

I think that is such a great quote because it hits at two essential elements of an anger problem : 1) anger is usually a protective mechanism to protect us against some hurt or sense of inadequacy.  Men are especially likely to deal with situations that they don’t know how to deal with through anger. 2) Our anger management triggers usually have their roots in childhood. While you don’t have to spend years in therapy to process the roots of your triggers it does help to understand that they very often have more to do with the past than the present.

In trying to decide what to write about today I surprised myself when I realized I hadn’t done anything on everyone’s favorite poster boy for an anger management class (not to mention domestic violence, rehab, racial, cultural and religious tolerance classes and maybe a few other problems we haven’t learned of just yet).  The reason I thought of Mel and court ordered anger management classes is that he has by the latest count missed out on at least two depositions for allegedly assaulting his former girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva this past January.

I’ve done a lot of posts and articles lately on recognizing the difference between someone who needs an anger management class and someone who is struggling with a serious mental illness. The last thing I have any right to be doing is diagnosing somebody from afar, but everything that I’ve seen of Mel over the last several years just screams of a deeper problem being wrestled with, possibly bipolar disorder. He appears to come from a very troubled home in which his father who, like his son, has basically been characterized in the press as a drunk, paranoid bigot is rumored to have beaten him.

Now, I’m not making any excuses for Mel – his behavior has been appalling and whether he has a more serious mental illness or not he needs to man up and not only take responsibility for his alleged actions but to get treatment for whatever the real underlying issues are. From afar it appears that learning some anger management techniques should certainly be a part of that program.

What is interesting to me is the public reaction to him.  Most have become angered by his actions and seem to out and out hate him now.  Maybe holding Mel up as a poster boy for how we deal with things we don’t like is not the best example, but he is part of a larger picture. Look at the delight many took in Britney Spears when she was clearly struggling with mental health issues a few years back. She really did no harm to anyone except herself and yet there was such an undercurrent of meanness. Lindsey Lohan, Gary Busey, Axl Rose, Ozzy Osbourne – the list of people in the public eye struggling with emotional problems that we have enjoyed laughing at or vilifying is a very long one.

Why is it that we humans enjoy being so mean to people we don’t even know or who often have such little impact on our lives? Post a comment, let me know what you think.

While doing some research tonight for my anger management class I came across one of the best all around mental health resource sites I’ve seen in a long time – HelpGuide.org. HelpGuide is a non-profit site that is a rarity in  that it has simple to follow, yet in depth and helpful articles covering not only anger management and domestic abuse, but also topics such as depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, trauma, parenting, childhood challenges and more. Check it out, I give it my highest recommendation!

Yet another pro athlete, New York Mets relief pitcher Francisco Rodriguiz, proved himself to be a candidate for an anger management class after being arrested for assaulting his girlfriends father. And thats assault with a vengence – Rodriguiz banged the man’s head against the wall and repeatedly punched him ironically outside of the “family room” at Citi Field.  He received a two day suspension for his actions.  In my other blog at www.angermanagement.net, I’ve written frequently on athletes and anger management problems.

My most recent post concerned Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano being suspended for an altercation in the clubhouse after taking exception to being removed from a game. In that post I argued quite strongly that Zambrano should be suspended for an extended period because his outburst happened while on the field and that it takes time for anger management classes to really stick.  In the end Zambardo took an anger management class and was back on the field within a week.

So, I may come across as a hypocrite when I argue in this post that, despite public outcries to the contrary,  Rodriguiz should not be suspended for his actions (he was placed on “restrtictions” for two days and is back with the team as I write).

Why am I coming down so hard on Zambardo, but not Rodriguiz? Well, there is a difference between the two. Zambardo’s actions occurred while he was at work and involved his teammates and manager. In contrast, Rodriguiz’s actions, although they did happen at the stadium, did not happen while he was actually at work and did not involve his team mates.

If this was private industry and Zambardo did what he did at the office he would have been fired immediately. If Rodriguiz had a regular job and got into it with his girlfriend’s dad its unlikely that his employer would even know about the incident, let alone have legal grounds to take action against him.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not in any way saying what either one of them did was right- just that they shouldn’t be held to a different standard for their anger management problems because they are pro athletes.

What do you think? Should athletes be made to pay a professional price for their off field actions? Let me know, I’m really curious  about what you think.