Even the happiest of relationships goes through periods during which anger management might not be a bad idea. Its pretty hard to live with someone and not get angry with them at some point.
Surprisingly, relationship researchers such as John Gottman have found that its not the number of fights that couples have which predict if their relationship will last. What is predictive is the ratio of negative responses to positive ones that people have towards their partner on an ongoing basis that tells how likely they are to stay together. Specifically the ratio needs to be at lest 5:1; that is for every negative exchange you have you must have a minimum of five positive ones to offset the impact of the negative.
Five types of what I call anger management personality styles have been found to be particularly destructive to a relationship. We will look at the first three in this post and the remaining two in my next post.
1. Antagonistic anger management reactions are challenging or angry in nature. You get the sense that the spouse is looking for a fight and would argue with whatever the other says, regardless of what they say.
WIFE: Here’s an article I found fascinating…
HUSBAND: Can’t you see I’m trying to get some work done?
HUSBAND: Do you want to watch TV tonight?
WIFE: So that’s all you think I’m good for, right? Sitting in front of the tube watching mindless TV shows all the time?
HUSBAND: Of course not. What would you like to do? Maybe you’d rather go see a play instead.
WIFE: Oh, like that’s supposed to make me feel better? (Mocking) “Maybe you’d rather go see a play instead.”
2. Oppositional anger management reactions are when a spouse seems intent on starting a debate or argument..
WIFE: Would you like a tangerine?
HUSBAND: That’s not a tangerine. It’s a Satsuma orange.
3. Controlling anger management reactions involve attempts to control the other. The goal is to get the partner to withdraw or submit. S/he may take on a paternal tone.
HUSBAND: Do you know where I’d love to go someday? India!
WIFE: Don’t be ridiculous! You’d hate it there, with all its poverty and overcrowding. Scandinavia- now there’s a place you’d really love!
WIFE: My car’s in the shop. Can you give me a lift?
HUSBAND: I suppose. But only if you’re ready at five P.M. sharp.
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