Anger management problems plague every marriage or significant relationship at one point or another. Its pretty hard to live with someone and not get angry with them every now and then. Interestingly, research has shown that its not the number of fights that couples have which predict if their relationship will last. It’s the attitude that people have towards their partner on an ongoing basis that tells how likely they are to stay together.
Researchers have found several types of anger management problems or attitudes to be particularly destructive to a relationship.
1. Belligerent anger management reactions are challenging or angry in nature. You get the sense that the spouse is looking for a fight and would argue with whatever the other says, regardless of what they say.
2. Contradictory anger management reactions are when a spouse seems intent on starting a debate or argument..
3. Domineering anger management reactions involve attempts to control the other. The goal is to get the partner to withdraw or submit. S/he may take on a paternal tone.
4. Critical anger anger management reactions are broad attacks on the partner’s character. They’re different from a complaint, which focuses on a particular event or specific behavior. People speak in global terms when being critical, using phrases like “you always…” and “you never…” Critical anger responses are often loaded with blame or betrayal:
5. Defensive anger management reactions are when one spouse gives up any responsibility for matters at hand. If one spouse is upset about something, the defensive anger responder may act like an innocent victim of misplaced blame.
Habitually reacting to your partner without using anger management skills says:
Your need for attention makes me angry.
I don’t respect you.
I don’t value you or this relationship.
I want to hurt you.
I want to drive you away.
One thing I have noticed in my years of practice as a marriage counselor is that couples often use their partner as a convenient whipping post for things in their life they are not satisfied with. It can become very easy to use the five anger management problems described here as a way to lay that blame on someone. While they may bring you some satisfaction in the short run, these anger management problems have been scientifically shown to be very toxic to a relationship and if you use consistently use them your marriage will be very short lived.
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